So I was reading (and admiring) Mary's blog. It actually makes me feel kinda dumb. Because she uses all these big words I don't understand, like snafu and ambivalent. I feel ok about not knowing what snafu means. But ambivalent? That's a word I've heard many times before and never took the time to look up. In case you were wondering, it's an adjective basically meaning unsure. That probably makes me look really dumb. I could use the excuse that I speak Spanish. And they say that when you're measuring learning progress in bilingual children, you're supposed to count all of the words they know in both languages because if you only count the words they know in one language, you're getting only half the picture. Which is why bilingual children are thought of as having learning difficulties when they are actually being improperly assessed. But here's the thing. I wasn't brought up bilingual. I learned Spanish later. So I should have a completely functional, adult, English vocabulary. You know what I think the problem is? I didn't play enough video games growing up. My friend Jack has a great vocabulary. When I asked him how he knew all these fancy words, he didn't say, "because I read a lot." He said, "because I played a lot of video games." And I was like, "you mean you read what all the characters were saying to understand the story of the games you played??" I remember watching my brother play Zelda and he would just click through those little quote bubbles as quickly as possible so he could get back to playing the game. Apparently, game developers have great vocabularies too. And they're good at programming. That's a little too much talent for one person if you ask me. What I'm trying to say is, if you want to read intelligent, thoughtful blog posts with big words, read Mary's blog. If you want to read the thoughts of a 24 year old with a 9 year old's brain, read Emma's blog. Actually, you should just read both either way. It's not her fault she's so smart. Ok, you're probably like, "alright Emma...why are you not giving me cancer updates?" Well that's because this blog/website thingy was much more than just cancer before September 2018. It involved a lot of weird and random thoughts/happenings in my life. So I'm trying to bring that back a little bit. Chemo went smoothly on Wednesday. My mom and Lanie came with me. We hung out and played cards. While I was getting infused, (that sounds so weird: infused -- like I'm a scented candle or something) this lady from Child Life stopped by my chair. She hung this big poster on the wall, congratulated me for finishing chemo, and gave me a gift card to Target. Super nice! It feels so weird to be congratulated for finishing treatment. It's not like I set a goal and achieved it. Don't get me wrong. It was freaking hard. But congrats sounds so weird. Like my mom always said when people asked if I was ok with everything happening, I didn't have much of a choice. But if you wanna give me gifts and congratulate me for doing something I had no option but to do, I'm not gonna argue! Thank you, kind lady! Wednesday evening got a little shaky. I had a slight fever and was worried I was going to have to go back into the hospital. Luckily, it never went over 100.4 when I'd have to possibly go to the ER because they worry about infection when you have a central line. You go, white blood cells! While I was getting infused, one of my nurses who had treated me before said, "This is your last chemo?! That was fast! Did it feel fast?" Never have I answered a question so quickly in my life. I know I was extremely lucky to not have to go through radiation and that my diagnosis was very good considering. But no. I can't say the past few months have flown by. I know what she meant though. Like I said, I was lucky. My treatment was really fast. Plus, I transferred to CHOP after already starting treatment at Georgetown, so I was at CHOP for an even shorter amount of time. My doc also keeps telling me how well I handled treatments. She says most people can't workout on this chemo regimen. First of all, I'm not most people. I'm an extra special ray of sunshine. Did nobody tell you? Second of all...I don't have a second of all. At least my doc adds, "I know it probably doesn't feel like it," when she tells me how well I handle chemo. All I got say is:
I'M FINISHEDDDDDD!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P.S. I've been attempting Body Pump classes at the Y. Because they're fun, and I miss exercise. When Instructor Suzie saw me in class today, she played one of my fav songs to work out to: Peanut Butter Jelly. I know. Thrilling information that you really wanted to know. I'm just trying to ease my readership back into less exciting life events now that I'm DONE TREATMENT!!!! P.P.S. Got a fancy, new phone for Christmas. Thanks, Mom and Dad. It has a fancy, new camera. Please, enjoy my extra special photography skillz.
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I definitely write the most when I need to vent about something. So consider my absence a good sign. I was supposed to be admitted for treatment last Friday through Sunday. My doc called Thursday evening explaining that the hospital was full they were going to have to delay treatment. CHOP has a tendency of filling up during the winter months when respiratory issues are aggravated. Since I am a non-emergency patient (I mean, they were debating if they were even going to give me this last round of chemo), they bumped me and 9 other patients were were due for treatment. I was not-so secretly pleased because not being admitted meant I got to go to my friend's holiday party and play this weird candy cane game. Please enjoy this high quality video of Mike and I fighting to pick up candy canes with other candy canes. My dad and I still headed to CHOP for my check-up and blood work on Friday just to make sure I was set to start treatment later that weekend. I was slightly concerned because delaying this cycle meant I would feel crappy for Christmas Eve and Christmas. Food is a very important part of the holidays in the Tierney household. Isn't that what Christmas is all about?? And stuffing my face with nommy food is always very high on my to do list (even if it's not the holiday season). But no worries because I was allowed to delay my next outpatient treatment until Boxing Day! I was very good about my nausea meds all this week, there were no hiccups, and I just finished several rounds of Christmas Eve dinner followed by 2 large servings of chocolate mousse. (Lanie and I claimed the extra dessert since wine wasn't an option for either of us.) Anywho...during my appointment my doc was chatting with my about my plans once I'm finished treatment. (Exciting! I know!!) I told her I was looking forward to rowing again and had signed up for a Livestrong class at the Y to help me get my feet on the ground again. She cautioned to not to get too frustrated and that I probably wouldn't feel like myself again for several more months. Sorry doc, but I can promise you now that the frustration will happen. Then she told me to be careful because the steroid that I'm on can cause muscle weakness. What? I'm confused. That's not how a steroid works. Is it?
On Sunday, I was admitted for treatment. No vomiting this time. Phew! One of my nurses even made me a card celebrating my last inpatient treatment. Tuesday I was discharged. Right on schedule, Wednesday night there were some tears. Get this. Reasons there were tears: 1. Because I couldn't stand my dad watching another minute of the news. (Especially that stupid MSNBC show that's like the liberal version of Fox and Friends. One is not better than the other. They both just tell their viewers what they want to hear.) 2. Because it was 6:15pm and I was in bed ready to sleep. And the thought of having to stay up all the way until 8pm for my next dose of meds and then having to wake up again at midnight for another dose was just too much to bear. So mommy sat in bed and read while I shut my eyes for a bit and wallowed. All better. But honestly, this week has been phenomenal. The extra recovery time between treatments has given me more energy. I got to workout at the Y a couple times with my neighbor Bethany. Lanie took me on a walk. I baked bread. I went shopping. I made gingerbread cookies. I lunched with friends I hadn't seen in AGES. I even did handstands! The last time I did that was before I got my lymph node removed from my neck right before I was diagnosed. Christmas is tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to stuffing my face some more before my LAST TREATMENT on Wednesday! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals! I got more scans done Friday. I'm going to try to explain what the doc said, but this time I don't have pictures to go along with the explanations. As a matter of fact she didn't even show me the PET or CT scans. So when I was diagnosed, Dr. T in Gtown chose a chemo regimen involving a 6 drug cocktail. He chose this regimen over a 4 drug regimen because he read a study done by a doc in Minnesota that found that patients with my flavor of Hodgkin's Lymphoma were more likely to relapse later in life if given the regimen with fewer drugs. The other 3 flavors of Hodgkin's did just as well. When I switched the CHOP they kept me on the same 6 drug regimen and continued my treatment plan as I had started it in Gtown. However, Dr. K who is treating me at CHOP informed me that this 6 drug regimen is typically used for patients with intermediate risk Hodgkin's lymphoma. Dr. K said that normally she can tell a patient right away how much treatment they're going to need when they're diagnosed. For an intermediate risk patient with my type of Hodgkin's that would be 4 rounds of chemo plus radiation. However, radiation can be skipped if the patient meets certain benchmarks during their chemo treatment. These benchmarks are a 65% reduction in tumors after the 2nd chemo and an 80% reduction after the 4th chemo. These numbers and the rounds of treatment are determined by research and scientific studies that have been done. My understanding is that after there's an 80% reduction, the tumor just start to scar away. Then scans are done every 3 months for a year to make sure that everything is indeed resolved. However, I don't have intermediate risk Hodgkin's; I have low risk Hodgkin's. Which is a good thing. Since mine's low risk, Dr. T in Gtown initially proposed 3-4 rounds of chemo and maybe or maybe not radiation. Dr. K at CHOP explained that if a person with intermediate risk needs 4 rounds and maybe radiation, then some doctor's would extrapolate out from research studies and say that a person with low risk probably only need 3 rounds and maybe radiation. However, there are no studies to determine if 3 rounds is enough or if 4 rounds is better. Plus she has never given just 3 rounds of chemo. Ever. And this lady is like the leader for treatment of lymphoma at one of the best children's hospitals in the country. So while she left the decision up to me on whether I should or should not have a 4th round of chemo, she said she felt uncomfortable only giving me 3 rounds. She said it was simply a "feeling" and not based on any studies or anything. But then again, there aren't any studies. And I didn't want to short change my treatment. My scans indicated a 78% reduction in tumors after the 3rd round of chemo. Just 2% away from the 80% benchmark for no radiation. But that damn 2%...you just never know. And I'd be skipping the last treatment AND not getting radiation. If I were to skip my last round of chemo and the tumors weren't still headed in the right direction when I redo my scans 3 months after treatment ends, they couldn't just shoot me up with another round of chemo. Dr. K said at that point, the cancer would be "back" and they'd have to create a new treatment plan and start me on a different regimen. And I really DO NOT want to do this all again 3 months from now. I'd rather just do it all now. I really, REALLY do not want to do this again. While Dr. K can't guarantee I won't have a relapse, she doesn't think that will happen. This last doc appointment made me realize how medicine really ins't an exact science. My mom and dad walked out of the appointment celebrating because we did indeed receive a lot of good news. However, I just started crying because I felt like I had just written away the next 3 weeks of my life. All I could think about was how I have to feel like crap for another 3 weeks. I have to get my port accessed 2 more times. I'm going to miss my friend Olivia's Christmas party. I might feel like crap on Christmas. But woe is me. It is only 3 more weeks. I cried. I'm better now. Let's get this done. Also, I didn't mention Coach Jason and Stephen in my last post. They both taught me patience in that you train and reep the results later. And by taught me patience, I mean that they made me realize that I don't have any. I wanna be fast now. I wanna be cancer free now. But at least I'm aware of that fault. The only reason I didn't mention them is because they made me love rowing. And I can't do that right now. So boo hoo me, they get a thank you when I'm back in a boat. :P But right now, I'm not going to not be the bigger person and just be mad at them that they made me like a sport I can't do right now.
Some salt in this post but much less than the last.
Things I've learned from coaches that can be applied to cancer: Lesson 1; Take ownership. As Coach Reilly and Coach Marci always said "own the role in your own success." If something seems wrong, it's probably wrong. Like really wrong. And keep bringing it up until somebody listens to you. Why do I mention this? Remember how the docs found a blood clot on my last scan and how I had an unexpected slumber party at the hospital? Well, turns out they sent me home taking 1/100th of the blood thinner dose that they had been administering in the hospital. Sometimes I think they don't take me seriously when I bring up a concern because I'm not as sick compared to a lot of the other kids here. But the truth is, I know when something's wrong. Guess I need to start being a bit more of a bitch about things because clearly I know best. I mean I brought up the blood thinner dose seeming wrong several times to the nurse while I was inpatient. She double checked with another nurse who also said it was fine. Then, I brought it up to the doc a week later who also said it was fine. Finally, I brought in the bottle of medicine and syringes I'd been given, and they FINALLY listened. My dose was 100x off! And that passed 3-4 checks: the pharmacy, 2 nurses, and the doc. So they hospitalized me for a blood clot and then essentially took me off of the med that made it ok for me to go home. When I asked if they wanted to push up my next echo (ya know...since I haven't been taking the blood thinner), they said no. Confused and frustrated. The whole time I was talking to nurses and doctors trying to sort out this big mistake, I was trying my absolute best to channel my inner Katie G from OKC, aka the best communicator you'll ever encounter. Just kept saying in my head "Use your words, Emma. What would Katie do," and not just lose it on everyone and cry. Just glad I was undercutting the dose and not overdoing it. Lesson 2: Body function is way more important than weight. This one I got from coaches Donna and Glenda. I now fluctuate around 150 pounds. I was probably a solid 40 splits faster on the erg when I weighed 160 before getting diagnosed. And I can barely do 1 pull up now. Even though my body has been annoying the crap out of me lately, I think human bodies are pretty amazing things. Think about all the crazy things people can do. They can flip and run really freaking fast and jump really high. But that's the key: to be impressed by their function more than their appearance. Donna and Glenda always encouraged their gymnasts to be impressed by what their bodies could do for them. (Something you'd think would be commonplace among coaches but definitely isn't in the gymnastics world. They wanted to raise strong, young women. Not weak, broken, little girls. Love the Y. <3 Long overdue thanks for the box of fun cards and drawings from the current Gymcat gymnastics team! Some of these girls who sent me cards I coached YEARS ago, and it's so nice to see they're still involved in the sport. And at a place as awesome as the Y.) It's a lesson I constantly need to remind myself of these days. I try to remind myself how impressive it is that my body is responding so well to treatments and has been able to bounce back from treatments relatively easily. This past weekend I got to go to breakfast with my sister, my mom, and my mom's running friend who has had and beaten cancer twice. It was really nice to exchange stories with her (over some delicious pancakes I might add). She told me she not once had a treatment on time due to her white blood cell count always being low. I've been so fortunate that my body has been healthy enough for every treatment to be on schedule so far. Counting my blessings and thanking my body. Lesson 3: Working out is good medicine. (Which is super hard to do when you're getting chemo. But I try sometimes, and it does help.) My first gym coaches fostered my love for working out and being active. All of them, Karen, Jamie, Caitlin, Ashley, Jen, made me LOVE gymnastics. Like an almost unhealthy amount, especially for my ability level. But they also had this weird ability to motivate me athletically, not just in gymnastics. Conditioning was my jam. I could crank out push ups and sit ups and laps around the track like it was nobody's business. And what's more is I freaking loved it. Jamie especially motivated me to be stronger. She just made it all fun! I mean, who likes that stuff?! And who is capable of making people like that stuff?! I guess I'm just trying to say thanks. If I'm lucky, I feel capable of working out about one every week/once every other week. A big change from my 2 day workouts. But it certainly has made me appreciate when I can get outside for a short jog. It's like this nice "keep Emma sane" happy place that all of them created for me when I was younger and am appreciating now. Especially now. Lesson 4: Make a plan. My XC coach from high school (who I ran for every summer but only actually followed through on 1 season), Lac, taught me to plan. He would give us calendars with all of our workouts for the entire summer and all the way through the season. It really taught me how one workout builds on another. But he also wasn't afraid to adjust the plan if something changed. Which is something that you have to do a lot when you have cancer. Lac also taught me to push myself...but we are gonna kinda ignore that right now since that's not something I'm supposed to be doing much of. I think I'll appreciate that lesson later when I'm really frustrated that my body isn't working like it did pre-cancer diagnosis. He's the only coach I've ever vomited during a workout for. I guess that's kinda weird. Saying i vomited "for" him. Vomiting isn't a good thing. But I think it illustrates well how he taught me to push my limits. Hopefully, that's something I'll be able to get used to doing again soon. Really soon. Stressor: One of my biggest anxieties is my return to rowing. I practically begged the coach to let me row for Potomac. Then the High Performance team got a new coach and I got diagnosed right around the same time. The new coach didn't even get to see me row. I'm inexperienced and not fast. Yet. So now I'm worried about how I'll get back in a boat. I know I will, it's just the plan and the path that are stressing me out. I can just hear my friend Olivia say "that's not something you should be worrying about right now!" But you know what...it's important to me. So until I'm back training, I'll be over here worrying about it. I know it'll be really, REALLY hard. And I know there will probably be many tears of frustration but it'll happen. Whatever the path ends up being. In the meantime, I'll just be here thinking about all the wonderful coaches I've had in my life and how they've helped me get through some pretty tough workouts but are also helping me get through these challenging few months. Whether they know it or not. So thanks. |
AuthorI'm Emma. I love food more than anyone will ever understand - specifically cheese, chocolate, bread and pretty much every fat & carb combo you can think of - apple cider donuts, ice cream, the list goes on. Fats and carbs just go so well together. Don't you think? Why is it that when I'm tasked to describe myself, I always talk about food? Anywho, I'm a grad student and rower training studying and training in DC. Here's to having no free time and loving every minute of it (jk...I'll tell you the bad stuff too)! Archives
July 2020
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